In a recent Reddit thread regarding prison stories one person asked, “Ex cons of Reddit, what is the craziest thing or story you’ve heard or seen in prison?”
Below are some of the best prison stories ones hand picked from the thread. Check them out below… some are (NSFW).
1. Apparently suicide in prison is an everyday kind of thing.
Cousin got out recently. Craziest thing he saw was during his lunch one day, some guy intentionally leaning over a third story railing and falling on his head, breaking his neck and killing him after a few gargling moments later.
Everyone just kinda looked over, went “Huh…fu*k. That looked like it sucked.” and went back to eating.
2. Well that sounds unsettling!
Was in prison watching the news. The story on was about a kid who had stabbed two kids. He was sitting right next to me. We both shared a brief glance, then went back to our fruit loops.
3. It’s sad how desperate the meth addicts in prison get.
I have a friend in law that works at a county prison and the craziest thing she has seen is when a new meth user comes in the other meth addicts will lick any sores they have because some of the chemicals will leak out.
4. So ‘Orange Is The New Black’ is more realistic than I thought.
I was in the circle with this guy who was a diabetic and the c/o’s denied him his medicine saying he was a liar an he really didn’t have diabetes. He ended up dying the next day. Probably we’re looking for a violent story but I just thought that shit was pretty crazy they later on said they gave him his insulin but he refused to take it.
5. He would know.
A prisoner called into a local radio show. He said they once let a group of them watch a movie. The movie was some horror movie. He said, when the killer snuck up behind some girl and slit her throat, the guy next to him said, “that’s not what it looks like.”
6. This guy had a pretty shit*y life.
Most f*’d up thing I ever saw was a man who had spent 27 years in prison and was about to be released after DNA proved his innocence via the “actual innocence project” was killed by some young kid that was 18 because the Aryans wanted him to be made an example of …Now a kid that was going to serve six months is serving life, and a man who served life died due to injuries and age, all for some gang bull….
7. Fourth time’s a charm…?
My friend works at a prison hospital. A guy was sent there because the guards found out he had swallowed a balloon of heroin. They were basically just waiting for him to pass it. When he did, he immediately dug it out of his own sh*t and ate it again.
So they waited for him to pass it yet again, watching him more carefully this time, but when he did he somehow fought and got to his sh*t again and ate it a third time. I have no idea what this guy was trying to accomplish by continuing to eat the balloon again, but it almost burst inside him and could have killed him if he had been able to swallow it a fourth time.
8. The things people will do once they get into prison…
Prison was never as bad as jail. People in prison usually man up and get with it after a month because we have to. But in jail, there’s a bunch of candy ass kids who usually spend time all day on the phone with friends and girlfriends, crying most of the time.
The most pathetic sight was seeing what some of these kids would do to get food. I saw a kid come in to serve 30 DAYS for DUI and after a week he was giving hand jobs in the shower for soups. Those drug addicts are pathetic sights once they can’t get their fix.
9. This guy got sentenced to jail for the dumbest “crime.”
In September I went to jail for a day because I didn’t have enough money to pay at my arraignment. I was put in a holding cell with 5-6 other dudes who were waiting to either see the judge, or get transferred to Wayne County’s jail. While I was hanging out in there, I spoke to a black guy who looked very similar to Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile. He told me he was in jail due to contempt of court.
When I asked him to elaborate, he told me how he took a bus to his sentencing as he didn’t have a car. In Dearborn’s courthouse, you’re not allowed to bring any cell phones with you, as they must be kept in a car or what have you. He didn’t want to leave his outside, so he actually put it in his a*s. Yeah. He put his f*cking phone up his a*s.
So he’s in court, waiting for the other people to get sentenced, or whatever, when his phone starts to go off. Loudly. The judge stops the session and yells, “who’s phone is going off?” Black dude raises his hand and the judge tells him to stand up. “Get your phone and turn it off immediately!” he screams. Slowly, the guy reaches into the back of his pants…
He got sentenced 10 days in jail for that.
10. This guy was in jail with the serial stabber from Flint, Michigan.
There was a serial stabber in Flint, Michigan a couple of summers ago. A friend of mine went to jail for awhile and his cell was right above his. They’d have conversation ranging from hating black people to politics to food. Apparently he’d snap from totally normal to a totally racist crazy. I hope I never go to jail.
11. A loophole I never expected prisoners to use.
I did five years in Feds, and while I was waiting for a ConAir flight, I was at MDC Brooklyn for a few months during the summer. I was on Six South and in the “rec room” you could look down and see the rec room of the female floor one floor below, through a very thick wire screen.
The guys hooked up a car out of dental floss from the sixth to the fifth and did the following: they would ja*k off into a tissue, send it down the car, and one of the female detainees would, er..stuff it up there. If a Fed detainee gets pregnant inside, chances are she walks.
So the rec room eventually became a load of guys je*king off into Kleenex and sending them down the car. A memory I will unfortunately carry with me forever.
13. Yeah, prison just sounds more kooky than anything else.
It’s not necessarily the most outrageous story I could come up with, but it’s certainly the one that made me “WTF” the most…
I was at the top end of a 10 1/2 month sentence at Theo Lacy Jail in Santa Ana, California. My cell, as well as four others, were open for recreation time (about an hour).
I was casually strolling to the shower located in the center of the block–I had to pass 3 other open cells to get there–and I heard one large and cliché African American gentleman say to another, “If you want Reuben Sandwiches for dinner, we’re going to have to stop by the market for cheese.”
I, as subtly as possible, peered over to see one guy standing at his cell table, putting together a Ramen Noodle Soup while the other sat on the toilet…presumably shi*ting.
Jail isn’t inherently bad, it’s just a little loopy sometimes. I assume they were ‘t having a discussion–just a well-rehearsed and orchestrated exercise in emotional futility.
14. Pretty dark.
My brother had the guy in the bunk above him commit suicide during the night and woke up to blood dripping on his face when he was serving 6 months for cocaine possession.
15. A clever man!
Not me, but my cousin. He told me about some crazy sh*t he saw in prison. The story that sticks out in my mind was one about an HIV positive prisoner who put his blood on arrows that were shot at the guards. The bow and arrows were made out of newspapers that were petrified with toilet water.
16. I imagine this would be pretty scarring.
Former CO here, I have lots of stories. I once held an inmate in my arms at a half way house as he overdosed on heroin. We believe his wife brought it to him. She arrived shortly after the ambulance. Ill never forget the look on their children’s faces, haunts me to this day.
17. THIS IS HORRIFYING.
My cousin is a CO at a state prison. He told me, Some guys act crazy just to get out of general population, but some are actually bat sh*t insane. They had one prisoner who had pica. He would eat so many dangerous things that he would need surgery weekly.
He had his stomach cut open so often that the surgeons installed a temporary zipper on his abdomen for easier access. The man managed to get out of his restraints and undid the zipper. The CO on duty went to check on him and he was playing with his small intestines.
Also he told me that some of the sickest criminals don’t look like you’d expect. That gangbanger in the corner might be in for writing bad checks, but that old guy with a cane and a limp killed 6 people.
18. Another example of the corrupt jail system.
I was in an open bay dorm with a guy that was bit by a brown recluse spider somewhere in the head. He had his head all wrapped up in bandages. He kept going up to the officer’s station saying he was having a hard time breathing. They told him to go back to his rack or they would put him in confinement. He ended up dead by morning. Turns out he was allergic to whatever meds they gave him for the infection. This was in the Florida prison system.
20. Oh, you’re going to throw in a thermos too? Why didn’t you say so??
I was in the prison in Azerbaijan, the craziest thing were the prices for s*x. Since people were very poor and some starving, some would do anything for food or money. Like a h*nd-job would cost $1, a bl*w-job $5, one guys was offered $10 for s*x he refused… then they added a thermos! (a f.. thermos!) So he agreed. $10 and a thermos it was.
21. Somehow this guy managed to bamboozle the entire prison staff.
This is a pretty badass story my old boss told me. This 18 year old from Ontario was given life in prison for murder. Long story short, he spends a lot of his time in solitary for getting caught with cigarettes and other prohibited items. This kid is pretty smart and likes to f*ck with the prison staff. He uses wire from the springs in the bed to make a hook he can lower out the window where other inmates in the yard would place a cigarette on the wire.
So every day the guards walk past this kids room and smell smoke. When they go inside to stop him, the kid puts out his smoke and flicks it at them while telling them to f*ck off. The guards search this kids room over and over and they can’t find anything that explains how this kid is getting and lighting smokes.
It turns out the kid unscrews the light bulb and uses the electrical charge to light the smoke (this could have easily have killed or seriously harmed him) The guards really start to get mad and the relocate him to a new cell.
The warden tells the kid they are going to search his old room, but he confidently claims they won’t find a thing. The turn the room over until they finally decide to take apart the bed frame. Inside one of the hollow legs is a note that says “I told you that you wouldn’t find anything.”
22. Sounds welcoming…
This is more funny than crazy, but I was arrested Halloween weekend last year. One guy passed out in the cell and another guy tea-bagged him and said, “Welcome to prison, mother f*cker!”
23. Something to always remember if you ever end up in a Russian prison.
When you are first sent into a Russian cell, usually one of the alpha males will come up to you and ask you:
“Would you prefer loosing an eye or taking it up the a*s?”
Clearly most people would prefer the a*s rather then losing an eye. However it’s a trick question, you do not want to say you prefer taking it up the a*s as that implies homosexuality. Being branded gay is not good for you in Russian prison.
In either cases you will probably take a severe beating unless you can fight a couple of them off you.
Got that advice from a eastern orthodox priest while drinking with him.
24. Apparently being sick in jail doesn’t matter.
I taught literacy in a prison (Not US or Europe). I went in one day…me (female) and 30 max guys. The duty guard was always asleep. No problem, as these guys were all great – I liked them and never once felt frightened.
This day they were all really subdued. They lived eight guys to a cell (that was meant for one person originally) they rip out everything (bed, toilet, etc.) and give them one bucket to share and they are usually on 23-hour lock down.
In the night, a guy was having a final bleed out from AIDS in the shared cell. They’d been banging on the door all night but the guards were not interested. In the morning, the guards realized this guy was ‘sick’ so they took him to the prison clinic in the prison ambulance. I had figured that this would be some beat up ancient old converted bus. It was actually a wheelbarrow. That was one of the bad times.
25. Hey, I remember you! From Maury!
Buddy is an ex con. Had stories about borrowing a shoe from a one legged man, watching a re-run of Maury with a guy who was featured on the show, and a fight breaking out over Tim Tebow. Wish I could remember them all.
26. S*x offenders are, hands-down, treated the worst.
Former corrections officer here. Remember the Texas Seven?? That’s the prison I worked at, Connally Unit, although that escape happened about 6 months after I quit.
I was tasked with taking an inmate to the hospital about his abdominal pains, said inmate was a child molester. Turns out someone shoved a jar of peanut butter up his a*s. Saw the x-ray with my own eyes, bricks were shat.
They have special lockups for the sex-offenders now b/c the general population tormented them to no end.
27. Yup, that’s terrifying.
Use to be a CO at a facility that housed both mentally insane as well as normal sane inmates. Remember a crazy inmate that camouflaged his face with his own fecal matter. He’d close his eyes and open them really fast saying “BOO.”
My friend’s father is a guard at the county prison. He said that he was walking along the ground level of the cellblock when an inmate jumped from the second level with bed sheets wrapped around his neck. He used too many sheets and hit the ground full force. He said all of the other inmates burst out laughing at the guy.
29. It’s not uncommon to get bitten in jail too…
Crazy son of a bi*ch, rotted teeth and just disgusting hygiene all around, attacked a good friend of mine in the prison. He bit right into his leg and took out a sizable chunk. This dude was not “all there” in his head, and his mouth was so germ ridden that they ended up having to remove my friend’s lower leg altogether.
30. This is why temporary prisoners shouldn’t be housed with lifers.
They were transporting two inmates in the back of a squad car to a different max sec prison a few cities away. One of the prisoners was serving multiple life sentences and the other guy was only serving 5 years. The guy serving multiple lifes went complete ape sh*t nuts and beat the living hell out of the Indian guy serving 5.
The entire car was shaking and you could see the dude just pounding on the other guy with his handcuffs. It took the guards a good minute to see this and react but the Indian dude was dead by the time they got the doors open. That’s why you always keep lifers away from everyone else. They just don’t care.
31. This is plain abuse.
Yeah I posted this story before, but when I was in there in the medical unit the guards would find any excuse to beat up the retards in the padded cell. They would storm the cell in full riot gear and just wail on these poor guys while they screamed stop resisting as the guy was huddled up in the fetal position literally pi*sing themselves. It was by far the worst thing I have ever witnessed in my life.
32. A pretty clever idea if you ask me…
I used to work at the jail in TN as a nurse. For about a month straight we kept having a bunch of inmates in a 4C coming up positive for opiates (tested because of the fact we knew they were taking something) yet they were not prescribed any. The COs did a cell search as well as a cavity search on all the inmates in that cell.
They couldn’t find anything. It wasn’t until two weeks later one of the COs saw an inmate licking the “crayon” on the picture he had received from his “kid”. Turns out two of the inmates wives were taking pills, grinding them up, coloring them with food dye, and then using it to paint the coloring book pages to resemble a kids picture.
33. Sounds like a friendly lady!
My mom was in jail for a couple of days. One of the people she met in the prison was a woman, who had two brothers. She was in jail because one of her brothers, his wife, and the woman, cut up the other brother and threw his pieces in a bonfire. All for more inheritance money.
34. This is disturbing on so many levels.
Used to live across the street from the Walls Unit years ago. Picked up some crappy local paper and was horrified by the story I read which I will try to retell. Effectively, if you go into a prison and are taken out of it as a hostage, you are legally dead. As in the guards can shoot you. So some do-gooders go in to teach some prisoners and they are taken hostage.
They are shacked up in the library where they build a box out of cardboard and chalkboards. The box is open on the bottom so they can walk out and not know who is where in the box.
The box is eventually allowed out of the jail where as soon as it hits the street it is fired upon and everyone inside dies (including the hostages). And this happened right across the street from where I lived. Never saw it on national news. Felt like I lived in the Twilight zone.
35. Apparently this man didn’t really care to keep his body full intact.
I am a C/O at a small medium security facility. We had this guy who actually managed to cut his kneecap out and used it as an ashtray. That’s not even the weirdest thing he did by a long shot. A few years later he cut a small piece of flesh off of his hip and mailed it to the state corrections commissioner with a letter stating that he was going to get out even if he had to mail himself out a piece at a time.
Apparently the commissioner really is a stickler for the rules/has a sense of humor. That inmate had a few more years added to his sentence for escape. This is technically the correct approach since it is considered escape if even your pinky is outside of the fence.